It’s suffocating

I feel so extra. The odd one out.

Brief rundown of today: It’s Canada Day and my friend asked me to go to this place we go every year to watch fireworks and obviously, I went with her. Let’s call her xyz. She found out some of her friends were here also so I asked her why she didn’t go with them and xyz told me she wanted to come with me. That was such a lie.

Not even 2 minutes after she found out basically her entire group of friends was here and xyz said how she didn’t even know. That was when I realised just how extra I was. Maybe this doesn’t make sense to anyone but that’s okay. She ended up meeting with some of her friends halfway through and at that point, I just felt so out of place. My entire life, I’ve never felt right, I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong anywhere and that feeling, you never get used to it.

I really need to patch things up on the relationship with my group of friends if I don’t want to become a total loner in high school next year but I’m just so afraid that even if I ask to hang out with them, it would be so different. I’m afraid of feeling so left out like I have the past few times we have hung out. I’m afraid of accepting the distance that we’ve become.

At the end of the day, this may not seem like a big deal in someone else’s point of view but I feel so lost. Every single time things just happen to be going great, there’s always something to ruin that and it’s been like that my entire life.

12:03 am, signing out.

It’s late and I’m stuck hurting

I’ve been up for the past hour simply just talking to myself, talking myself through things and it’s made me realise a lot things from my life. I’m stuck with people who make me really unhappy, who say things to me that almost always bring me down, makes me feel insecure and just unhappy in general. It’s unfortunate because at least for the time being, I can’t get out of this group of friends and I’m also not capable to make new friends myself because well, I’m just this introverted, anti-social kid whose life just always ends up in all the wrong places.

I began to continue thinking, everyone I know’s got someone, someone they can always rely on and talk to. Realising that, it hurt a lot, not just mentally but physically? It was pain I felt from the insides of my body because I don’t exactly have anyone I could ever rely on. No one that really honestly cares enough to just ask about my day, how I’m doing, how’s life.

I think a lot of things first start with myself first of all. I don’t know how to approach anyone new, short tempered, people usually think I hate them when in reality I don’t, it’s just the way I act, but most of all, I’m absolutely horrible at maintaining relationships. A lot of negative things have come from the fact that I can’t maintain a relationship and maybe that’s why I’m stuck in the situation I am now. Heck, who can I blame.

All in all, people destroy people and that’s not right.

1:49am, signing out.

What is good enough?

This fear of mine, it’s always there and never goes away, it haunts me. This feeling of constantly not being good enough, constantly finding myself comparing to other people, sometimes to people I don’t even know personally. It’s something I’ve struggled with for years and years. I always used to be compared to my sister, how she’s smarter and what no. I remember countless times where I was just sitting in piano class and still having to hear my piano teacher compare myself to my sister and basically called dumb. That’s not even all, its that moment when your own mother sitting there agrees. Maybe that’s where it all began, this fear of never being good enough.

But, the thing that hurts the most is when you start questioning if you’re good enough and wanting to give up your own dreams because you feel like you’ll never be good enough and damn I wish so badly that I could listen to my own advice but I can’t.  There’s so many things that kill, and myself included.

At the end of the day though, what exactly is good enough. Will there ever be a good enough? Will we, or I ever be satisfied with ourselves. I hope so because it’s incredibly hard to live constantly questioning , comparing and destroying yourself.

It hurts just to feel

It’s been pretty bad lately, to the point where no matter where I am, no matter who I’m with, I always just want to break down and cry. Long story short, I decided to stay at the school I am currently attending a few days ago instead of transferring to this other school where I was originally suppose to go, and also where all my of my closest friends are. However when I did finally tell my one friend at this school I am attending currently, the things she said felt weird to me so I figured something was up which I then asked her if she was even planning on staying at this school? Until she finally revealed to me that she wasn’t, she was most likely going to transfer the year after next year to this new school being built because herself and her friend wanted to graduate together.

That was when it hit me hard and at that point, I just felt so alone I just wanted to cry. She was basically one of my only friends at this school and the only person who knew how miserable I actually was at this school but at the end of the day, I still decided to stay at this school for her because I knew she was going to be all alone, although I still had other reasons why I wanted to stay.

I guess I’m just talking to myself here but even if I stay at school, I know she’s going to leave me and I don’t want to risk being all alone when she’s gone during the last 2 years of high school. For the past few days, I’ve been just so stressed out on whether or not I still want to transfer and the truth is, my gut is telling me to transfer because I know how it feels to be all alone and I hate that feeling but my heart is telling me to stay cause I sort of really do like the school.

Nowadays though, just every little thing is getting to me, and it just hurts to feel anything at all and god how I with this could all just go away so badly.