What is good enough?

This fear of mine, it’s always there and never goes away, it haunts me. This feeling of constantly not being good enough, constantly finding myself comparing to other people, sometimes to people I don’t even know personally. It’s something I’ve struggled with for years and years. I always used to be compared to my sister, how she’s smarter and what no. I remember countless times where I was just sitting in piano class and still having to hear my piano teacher compare myself to my sister and basically called dumb. That’s not even all, its that moment when your own mother sitting there agrees. Maybe that’s where it all began, this fear of never being good enough.

But, the thing that hurts the most is when you start questioning if you’re good enough and wanting to give up your own dreams because you feel like you’ll never be good enough and damn I wish so badly that I could listen to my own advice but I can’t.  There’s so many things that kill, and myself included.

At the end of the day though, what exactly is good enough. Will there ever be a good enough? Will we, or I ever be satisfied with ourselves. I hope so because it’s incredibly hard to live constantly questioning , comparing and destroying yourself.

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It hurts just to feel

It’s been pretty bad lately, to the point where no matter where I am, no matter who I’m with, I always just want to break down and cry. Long story short, I decided to stay at the school I am currently attending a few days ago instead of transferring to this other school where I was originally suppose to go, and also where all my of my closest friends are. However when I did finally tell my one friend at this school I am attending currently, the things she said felt weird to me so I figured something was up which I then asked her if she was even planning on staying at this school? Until she finally revealed to me that she wasn’t, she was most likely going to transfer the year after next year to this new school being built because herself and her friend wanted to graduate together.

That was when it hit me hard and at that point, I just felt so alone I just wanted to cry. She was basically one of my only friends at this school and the only person who knew how miserable I actually was at this school but at the end of the day, I still decided to stay at this school for her because I knew she was going to be all alone, although I still had other reasons why I wanted to stay.

I guess I’m just talking to myself here but even if I stay at school, I know she’s going to leave me and I don’t want to risk being all alone when she’s gone during the last 2 years of high school. For the past few days, I’ve been just so stressed out on whether or not I still want to transfer and the truth is, my gut is telling me to transfer because I know how it feels to be all alone and I hate that feeling but my heart is telling me to stay cause I sort of really do like the school.

Nowadays though, just every little thing is getting to me, and it just hurts to feel anything at all and god how I with this could all just go away so badly.

Alone.

I’ve been feeling so lost the past few weeks, like a part of me is just empty. Recently, I’ve just been so distant from my so called ‘friends’ or ‘best friends’. I don’t know what we are even though I’ve known them my whole life but that’s the thing about me. I absolutely suck at maintaining any sort of relationship. There are times when I just become so distant with people and I push everyone out of my life. At the end of the day. that just leaves me all alone questioning just about everything in my life. Feeling alone is one of the absolute worst feelings because its that feeling that hits you. The feeling where you realize you pretty much got no one.

Sure, I’ve got people, I’ve got friends here and there but their not people I would ever share my personal problems with. To be someone who just always wants to scream out everything’s that on their mind and all the trouble their going through, it’s difficult not to have someone who will actually genuinely listen through all that crap. I’ve gone through countless situations where even if I do tell someone about what’s going on in my mind, they’ll shove it off and think it’s no big deal and go on about their own personal problems. The past year or so has definitely been rough and been probably the most alone I’ve ever felt but I guess I’m  trying to get myself through all that.

There’s almost nothing better than live music

To me, live music is almost unexplainable because it has given me this feeling that I can’t explain. Concerts are the one thing that are so important to me because they give me a break from reality. It makes me so incredibly happy that I can’t explain which is why concerts mean the world to me. My first concert (if you don’t count Warped Tour) was the AP tour with Mayday Parade (one of my absolute favourite bands) headlining and the supporting bands were Real Friends, As It Is and This Wild Life. I still remember during Mayday Parade’s set, I was singing along to the lyrics and jumping around and then it hit me. I can’t really explain the exact feeling but I felt so incredibly free and I was incredibly happy for once. That feeling I got at that concert is the reason why that is my favourite concert I’ve ever attended and one of the best days of my life.

Happiness. Concerts give me that and that reason alone is why there’s nothing better than live music, to me at least.

Death is inevitable

I was at the hospital yesterday visiting my aunt for the first time ever since she has been admitted to the hospital and long story short, she was diagnosed with cancer about a year and a half ago I believe. Throughout my life, I’ve never had a close relationship with her and probably only saw her 4-5 times a year despite her living literally right behind my house. Our backyards are even connected for god sake. I never really talked to her at all even if I saw her but of course it still felt sad. However, when I did get to the hospital, it was a lot more sad that I had ever imagined.

To see someone lying there about to pass away, it’s heartbreaking, even if you don’t know them that well which is why I absolutely hate hospitals. It makes me reflect on my own life and realize countless times that I should be doing something more in my life. I should do everything that I want to so if I were to ever lie in that hospital bed, about to die, I wouldn’t have to reflect back on the stuff I could’ve done.

Right before I left, she told me, “Do the things you want to do and have interest in and drop the things that you don’t like.” and just saying that to me means more then she or anyone else can imagine. If only my mom would actually take in that advice and let me drop the things I dislike.

That whole trip led to a thought. If I was this sad over seeing my aunt just lying there, how would I react if they were my parents or my sister. I don’t ever talk to my sister. I have a horrible relationship with my dad and I’m not that close with my mom but they still mean a lot to me. Gosh, death is scary. I think it makes it even scarier because no one knows what’s after death. There’s so many theories out there but are any of those theories even close to what the truth is?

Everybody wants to be loved

I was listening to “About A Girl” by The Academy Is… a while ago and there’s a lyric in the song that goes, “Everybody wants to be loved.” and that just made me think. We constantly live hoping to be one day loved by someone. Hoping that one day we will find what people call their soul mate. Someone who understands them and will be with them until the end. That just made me realize though how hard it is to feel loved by someone and to me it’s rare.

Growing up I’ve always envied relationships that people had with their family or their friends. A relationship where you can clearly see that they do love each other and they mean the world to each other. I’ve always envied the people who said I love you to their parents but for me, we’ve never said that to each other. People always say, “Well why don’t you just start saying I love you.” Gosh, if only it was that easy.

People that have a sibling relationship with their friends, I envy that. I have friends yes but their not exactly my best friends or I guess we don’t really act that way. The sad part is my group of friends stress me out and I would go days without talking to them on a regular basis.

I guess what I’m going with this is that we all want the feeling of being loved by someone, whether that’s a dating relationship, a friendship or as a family. It’s just a matter of when that feeling will reach you.

Regret.

I used to be big on the whole thing where I shouldn’t regret something that I have once wanted but I now realize that doesn’t work anymore. Even if I did want it at one point, things change, I change and everything around me changes. This goes back to what I was saying yesterday with this whole decision and all this regret is getting to me and I have no clue whatsoever on how to deal with this emotion. It’s just always there, left to be undealt with. I wish I could change it and push this regret away but that’s not possible. Gosh, is it so hard to get through a day without having to deal with a problem, having to deal with my mind? I guess not and maybe that’s why life can be so hard because there’s never this break. Wherever you go, whenever it is, there will always be some sort of problem that arises. I guess we should all just make the most of this problematic life. Gosh, if only I could listen to my own advice, wouldn’t that be great.

doubtful once again

Decisions, decisions, decisions. For the love of god (Just beware, I make a lot of religious comments for someone who isn’t even religious) I can not make a decisions because once I do, I regret it. Recently, I was put into a situation where I had to make a decision and now, all I can wonder is what will my life be like if I hadn’t made that decision, if I chose the other pathway. Unfortunately, that is something I will never in my life know and it just makes me doubt myself and question ,”Did I screw up once again?” And gosh, I screw up way too often.

My whole life is full of so much doubt and it brings me down, mentally and physically. It keeps me from living my life. It is like having someone constantly scream at you for every little thing you do and you can’t get it out of your mind. All in all though, I really hope I didn’t screw up my life with my decision but I guess we’ll see in a few months if it did.