May

I’m kind of speechless, knowing that it is already may (or almost at least). Summer is nearing and school can finally be over but I can’t help but hope time would pass by a tad slower. I am the type to get nostalgic a lot and I’m constantly getting hung over the concept of time. But at the same time, it’s also a bit of a wake up call, for me to do something more with my life instead of being coped up in my room the entire day (which is not recommended). I decided to make a list of 10 things I would do in May, and hopefully keep myself occupied throughout the month.

  • Make a zine
  • Go to a cute coffee shop
  • Take lots of photos, LOTS
  • Go boarding every weekend
  • Keep this blog active and try to blog a few times every week
  • Start planning for your short film
  • Buy a new plant
  • Make a list of new foods to make so you can stop eating pasta every day
  • Redecorate your room
  • FIND. A. JOB.

Cheers to hopefully a good May.

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Needle In A Haystack

I walk into the cafeteria each day, envying what other people around me have, friends. More specifically, individuals who make them feel comfortable, belonging, not alone. Don’t get me wrong, I most certainly have friends and people around me but I don’t particularly remember the last time I didn’t feel alone in my group of friends, the last time I felt like I genuinely belonged there. Friends can easily be a needle in a haystack, a hit or a miss. You believe you found the people that are like you, people you feel like are genuine people who you “belong” with, but turns out you were wrong. And it hurts sometimes.  Simply the thought of not having anyone around you, and constantly feeling alone is not a pleasant feeling. Being left out drives you insane, makes you sad, wanting to crawl under a table and it’s unfortunate how none of these “friends” will understand how I feel because I’m the type of person who will never say anything about these sort of situations.

I remember during my grade 9 year, I transferred to a different school than all of my friends. That was a terrible day. I met up with my friends after school and they kept talking and talking about all these new friends they made and how much of a great time it was. Those moments still stand so vivid in my mind. I remember sitting there on my friend’s couch listening and thinking back to my own day and it was horrible. I was and still am  a relatively quiet person with social anxiety and did not understand how to talk to someone I don’t know. I remember sitting there envying her of how she could do it so easily yet I couldn’t. And I was embarrassed that I couldn’t make friends so I never said anything about it. That entire grade 9 year was a mess and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone than that one year.

Back to the point though, constantly feeling left out of a friend group isn’t fun. There are days where I spend my lunch wanting to just get up and leave because I simply sit there for the entire lunch period barely saying a word. I feel unimportant? Invisible? And I wish someone would see it, someone would understand me.

But no one ever does.

Snap Out Of It

Over the course of this month, I’ve come to many realizations of myself, some in which I hate to admit. Moreover, this month has been an absolute month of stress. From school, to people, I find myself constantly just wanting let go of everything. This month though, I have realized how easily discouraged I can become, leading me to situations where I end up pitying myself which I absolutely hate. Being so easily discouraged is a horrible feeling and these times make me hate being myself in a way. Being discouraged from constantly comparing myself to other people, discouraged from not being able to accomplish something I was so surely I was going to be successful in, it’s definitely not a good feeling.

It’s ironic, I constantly remind people around me to not give a damn about what other people think about them, yet here I am giving a damn about what other people thought about me. This month has made me realize that although for the past two years, I’ve tried not to care about what others thought, it’s now all coming back to me. It’s difficult not caring about others opinions because, their people and their opinions affect you. But here’s the thing, you have to snap out of that mindset. I have to snap out of that mindset again.

But then again, it’s not that easy.