Needle In A Haystack

I walk into the cafeteria each day, envying what other people around me have, friends. More specifically, individuals who make them feel comfortable, belonging, not alone. Don’t get me wrong, I most certainly have friends and people around me but I don’t particularly remember the last time I didn’t feel alone in my group of friends, the last time I felt like I genuinely belonged there. Friends can easily be a needle in a haystack, a hit or a miss. You believe you found the people that are like you, people you feel like are genuine people who you “belong” with, but turns out you were wrong. And it hurts sometimes.  Simply the thought of not having anyone around you, and constantly feeling alone is not a pleasant feeling. Being left out drives you insane, makes you sad, wanting to crawl under a table and it’s unfortunate how none of these “friends” will understand how I feel because I’m the type of person who will never say anything about these sort of situations.

I remember during my grade 9 year, I transferred to a different school than all of my friends. That was a terrible day. I met up with my friends after school and they kept talking and talking about all these new friends they made and how much of a great time it was. Those moments still stand so vivid in my mind. I remember sitting there on my friend’s couch listening and thinking back to my own day and it was horrible. I was and still am  a relatively quiet person with social anxiety and did not understand how to talk to someone I don’t know. I remember sitting there envying her of how she could do it so easily yet I couldn’t. And I was embarrassed that I couldn’t make friends so I never said anything about it. That entire grade 9 year was a mess and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone than that one year.

Back to the point though, constantly feeling left out of a friend group isn’t fun. There are days where I spend my lunch wanting to just get up and leave because I simply sit there for the entire lunch period barely saying a word. I feel unimportant? Invisible? And I wish someone would see it, someone would understand me.

But no one ever does.


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